Thank God for the Music (part 1)

I should have done better, you should have done better. not afraid I'm terrified. now I can't sleep at night. I want to. I need to.
oh how I have music breathing down my spine, breaking the knots in my shoulder. unwinding the pain in my worn out feet. but whatever I choose, the music will help.

Watermarks Behind My Face

i was given a red rose when i was a child, it smelled liked candy and summer rain.

after given the rose a whisper told me the biggest secret of life, but i didn't listen. astounded by there great beauty i just stared into there eyes. so may it be if i am killed on site for going on the greatest journey of my life. may it be if god sends me to hell. may it be if i fall in love.

may it be if i lose everyone in my life. may it be if i die only with one friend. and make him known as the best friend i will ever have. forever

ODE TO BELLE NOTE (ode to the beautiful night)

so this, this hand that wasn't mine, reached down and grabbed my palms and entwined a beautiful sewing of interlocking emotion.
and it was magnificent!
the idea of human feelings and free expression was never underestimated.
but death was.
and that was the final verdict.

DEATH WAS UNDERESTIMATED!!!

Safety And Silence

One more time
i seek you
i leave cuts and bruses in the paths behind me and i only ask for
it to fix the pain from the broken promises that
i seemed to have reaped for...  throughout these past few years
and i ask myself not to pick at the scars on my heart, because then youll just come back
in my mind and then i cant help but to smash my secrets on the wall, just hoping that it will make my life more interesting, and so that i don't have to buy this dishonesty anymore
and im gonna give my sanity away to everyone and there dogs.
and then the flow of my mind will be peaceful.
and ill be
safe and silent

I don't want to say goodbye

It's not about angels, even if we could fly away with them, we would be yanked down to the ground by the chains we placed on ourselves long ago. And we call it unfair, I call it a tragedy that happened because we had to choose between love or fear. They seemed to have been waiting a long time for us to decide, and would it be a bad thing if I decided to stay. Never. Would it be a bad thing for them to make me choose. Always.

#thefaultinourstars (WARNING: SPOILERS(kinda-ish)) but i warned you

!!!!WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!

i went through a hell lot of emotions

i watched
i didn't feel connected
i looked for reasons to cry because crying makes you feel better
crying is addicting guys, and don't deny it either because you know what i mean
and i looked for my next hit
but i couldn't find it, i was able to get a couple of tears out but that's pretty much all that happened within the first hour and a half

but then it happened
i watched
and looked into his eyes and
i felt
broken
and alone

a lonely shard of myself is what i lost tonight
because i had witnessed an unexpected grenade
and i seemed to have been just barely too close, and i lost a shard of my heart

*flashback*

candy a music
weird costumes and friends hidden from each other by a piece of paper
somehow waiting for their guest

in the back seat of a car sat someone who was expecting things to continue on as normal
go to the party
go home
sleep
go to school
see friends
and friends see her

but in the front seat of a different car sat a man who had been poisoned by hell, and became the inescapable fate of the little seven year old girl sitting in the back seat of a car
and fate came with a bang
the next day she died
and the next day, a little eight year old boy was woken up in the middle of his sleep, and told that his best friend had died
and that boy cried for years on end, and listened to enya
and defended his best friends favorite animal till the end of time (cat)
 *******
and now this boy sits here and watches
and watches it all happen all over again

and basically i cried for the rest of the movie, but what my friends didn't know is that after i got home, i started crying again, and it hasn't stopped until right before i wrote this... so yeah, that happened

!!!!!!WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!!!

For basically all of yall to read (with juicy secrets and high school advice for all the youngsters)

ive been thinking about this for a very long time now and since were not in high school anymore discrimination is totally out of the question.
im not saying that you guys discriminate, but im not saying that there wasnt any at all.
high school set this odd standard that you have to have somewhere to belong, like a certain clik or the drama club.. even though our drama club had its own fabulous little clik within itself.
and what im trying to say is that people decided to save their dirty little secrets till the end, kind of like a big bang, a grand finale or some fabulous exit scene with white doves and fireworks

well I guess that even though my big bang is a little delayed and probably will still be seen by those of you who still attend "high school"
it doesn't really matter
those of you who do still go to lone peak
find yourself, not others.
high school is meant to help you experiment with EVERYTHING
not with what the teachers teach, but what you like. including social skills, taking risks, falling stupidly in love just to "experiment" with your emotions. whether it be gay, lesbian, straight or any other feelings that need to be figured out.
let me get this through to you.
I went through high school with the mind set that I was going to test everything to its limits.
that's exactly what everyone should do, mind yourself though, have moral standards.. not religious standards, but find it in yourself to take the responsibility of appropriately giving yourself your own moral contract... im not judging, you do what you do, just do it slow, steady, and learn how to control it.
WARNING: if you takes risks, you become the only one responsible for your actions on anything, just telling you now because that could never ever be stated soon enough.

now that I have become the great reason of procrastination and driving the conversation off course

here is the main reason I posted this blog
guys im telling you exactly what I told on of my religious friend who started preaching to me the other day
I am simply here to tell you a secret... well after this it wont be a secret.. but anyways, im here to tell you a secret, I did not come to you for religious advice

this is a big decision for me, and its really hard for me to say because we live where we live but
simple and sweet
I'm gay

im also very bad at figuring out if someone is flirting with me or not so for all those girls who I might have thought were flirting with me.. im really sorry...but if it makes up any of the difference Ill be happy to be your GBF?
or would that be considered as gay friend zoning..... #themoreyouknow


love you guys