the cat killed curiosity

So this man, random as he was. drew a chalk line in front of me and said that, past this line was too far, that I couldn't reach past there even if I wanted to. right when he turned away, i tripped someone and they spilled there water all over it.. it faded away... and i just looked at it and said.. what a pity, sighed, and walked over it.
now see that really didn't happen.. it was some weird metaphor i made up. i keep thinking that i will have this great legacy, like Leonardo Da Vinci.. and that people will look back at some of my weird metaphors and read it like bible....
don't judge me...
everyone at some degree thinks the same things about themselves. wait a second.. this is the part of the poem where i made two poems that are completely different but i had no idea how i could put them together so i have to switch to something about..
love?
yeah that's what the rest of this things about!
so lets say I'm at a party. and i was but in my memory everything has kind of morphed together, so eventually i WAS at a party.. anyways. so i tripped into someone and fell in love instantly. but then i got slapped, so to the boy who held my hand twice but ran away or to the boy who is halfway around the world because i was too weak to ask him one simple question....i don't know what to say, i never want to see them again because its taken me two and a half years to come to the conclusion that they don't feel the same... and if i see them again, ill probably cry worse than i did when i watched rue die or when the little match girl got to be with her grandmother. and i I've already done it twice and the third one has fell into a weird pain that involved a knife, even though there weren't any knives, its just the pain, i would think it, would be pretty similar but even then,  without a hint of metal for miles, the cold aluminum feet that i have, keep me from becoming the cat that was curious enough to die. but since I'm not the one with nine lives i searched for hero to be curious for me.. i know its twisted..... but everyone lives for twisted endings..
just as long as there is a sequel.

one casualty

the limits of desire fears no stranger, yet knows nothing of love at first sight. so it feels stupid, it doesn't let it go. it eats at his body, takes limbs and makes them become fossils. history in time. just another collectors piece to be sold to a museum in north Dakota.
feel satisfaction?
wait,
my bad
did I say
limbs?
or strangers?
i meant hearts
let me repeat it all over again for you
the limit of desire fears no heartbeat, yet knows nothing of love at first sight. so it feels stupid, it doesn't let it go. it eats at his body, it takes his heart and makes it become a fossil. some history in time. just another collectors piece to be sold to a museum in north Dakota.
it fallows me, it sits on my back like featherless wings. hopefully desired yet biting the metal bar to stop the pain.
so i shut down the valves of my attention. cut off the blood supply, freeze the summer breeze to a bitter winter....rain? yet again hopefully desired, yet biting the metal bar to stop the pain.
the science of life, it swirls around a cup of coffee
death it yells!
but fate is what happens to you when you do absolutely nothing!

Throwing Shade: American Flag Clothes

Thank God for the Music (part 1)

I should have done better, you should have done better. not afraid I'm terrified. now I can't sleep at night. I want to. I need to.
oh how I have music breathing down my spine, breaking the knots in my shoulder. unwinding the pain in my worn out feet. but whatever I choose, the music will help.

Watermarks Behind My Face

i was given a red rose when i was a child, it smelled liked candy and summer rain.

after given the rose a whisper told me the biggest secret of life, but i didn't listen. astounded by there great beauty i just stared into there eyes. so may it be if i am killed on site for going on the greatest journey of my life. may it be if god sends me to hell. may it be if i fall in love.

may it be if i lose everyone in my life. may it be if i die only with one friend. and make him known as the best friend i will ever have. forever

ODE TO BELLE NOTE (ode to the beautiful night)

so this, this hand that wasn't mine, reached down and grabbed my palms and entwined a beautiful sewing of interlocking emotion.
and it was magnificent!
the idea of human feelings and free expression was never underestimated.
but death was.
and that was the final verdict.

DEATH WAS UNDERESTIMATED!!!

Safety And Silence

One more time
i seek you
i leave cuts and bruses in the paths behind me and i only ask for
it to fix the pain from the broken promises that
i seemed to have reaped for...  throughout these past few years
and i ask myself not to pick at the scars on my heart, because then youll just come back
in my mind and then i cant help but to smash my secrets on the wall, just hoping that it will make my life more interesting, and so that i don't have to buy this dishonesty anymore
and im gonna give my sanity away to everyone and there dogs.
and then the flow of my mind will be peaceful.
and ill be
safe and silent

I don't want to say goodbye

It's not about angels, even if we could fly away with them, we would be yanked down to the ground by the chains we placed on ourselves long ago. And we call it unfair, I call it a tragedy that happened because we had to choose between love or fear. They seemed to have been waiting a long time for us to decide, and would it be a bad thing if I decided to stay. Never. Would it be a bad thing for them to make me choose. Always.

#thefaultinourstars (WARNING: SPOILERS(kinda-ish)) but i warned you

!!!!WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!

i went through a hell lot of emotions

i watched
i didn't feel connected
i looked for reasons to cry because crying makes you feel better
crying is addicting guys, and don't deny it either because you know what i mean
and i looked for my next hit
but i couldn't find it, i was able to get a couple of tears out but that's pretty much all that happened within the first hour and a half

but then it happened
i watched
and looked into his eyes and
i felt
broken
and alone

a lonely shard of myself is what i lost tonight
because i had witnessed an unexpected grenade
and i seemed to have been just barely too close, and i lost a shard of my heart

*flashback*

candy a music
weird costumes and friends hidden from each other by a piece of paper
somehow waiting for their guest

in the back seat of a car sat someone who was expecting things to continue on as normal
go to the party
go home
sleep
go to school
see friends
and friends see her

but in the front seat of a different car sat a man who had been poisoned by hell, and became the inescapable fate of the little seven year old girl sitting in the back seat of a car
and fate came with a bang
the next day she died
and the next day, a little eight year old boy was woken up in the middle of his sleep, and told that his best friend had died
and that boy cried for years on end, and listened to enya
and defended his best friends favorite animal till the end of time (cat)
 *******
and now this boy sits here and watches
and watches it all happen all over again

and basically i cried for the rest of the movie, but what my friends didn't know is that after i got home, i started crying again, and it hasn't stopped until right before i wrote this... so yeah, that happened

!!!!!!WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!!!

For basically all of yall to read (with juicy secrets and high school advice for all the youngsters)

ive been thinking about this for a very long time now and since were not in high school anymore discrimination is totally out of the question.
im not saying that you guys discriminate, but im not saying that there wasnt any at all.
high school set this odd standard that you have to have somewhere to belong, like a certain clik or the drama club.. even though our drama club had its own fabulous little clik within itself.
and what im trying to say is that people decided to save their dirty little secrets till the end, kind of like a big bang, a grand finale or some fabulous exit scene with white doves and fireworks

well I guess that even though my big bang is a little delayed and probably will still be seen by those of you who still attend "high school"
it doesn't really matter
those of you who do still go to lone peak
find yourself, not others.
high school is meant to help you experiment with EVERYTHING
not with what the teachers teach, but what you like. including social skills, taking risks, falling stupidly in love just to "experiment" with your emotions. whether it be gay, lesbian, straight or any other feelings that need to be figured out.
let me get this through to you.
I went through high school with the mind set that I was going to test everything to its limits.
that's exactly what everyone should do, mind yourself though, have moral standards.. not religious standards, but find it in yourself to take the responsibility of appropriately giving yourself your own moral contract... im not judging, you do what you do, just do it slow, steady, and learn how to control it.
WARNING: if you takes risks, you become the only one responsible for your actions on anything, just telling you now because that could never ever be stated soon enough.

now that I have become the great reason of procrastination and driving the conversation off course

here is the main reason I posted this blog
guys im telling you exactly what I told on of my religious friend who started preaching to me the other day
I am simply here to tell you a secret... well after this it wont be a secret.. but anyways, im here to tell you a secret, I did not come to you for religious advice

this is a big decision for me, and its really hard for me to say because we live where we live but
simple and sweet
I'm gay

im also very bad at figuring out if someone is flirting with me or not so for all those girls who I might have thought were flirting with me.. im really sorry...but if it makes up any of the difference Ill be happy to be your GBF?
or would that be considered as gay friend zoning..... #themoreyouknow


love you guys

I BROUGHT BACK SOME ORIGINALS (part#3)

before you read saving the individual, read this poem first to fully understand the other
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hearts and wings from inside my dreams

 

Before the blood bacame old, I dreamed about fairy tales. I dreamt of animals with wings, and how I grew jealous of the animals. In my dreams I would become a complete lunatic. I would wake up in the middle of the night furious.

So In my dreams I cut there wings off. And I never felt more calm.
Then one night they came and cut my heart out.
Because their hearts where part of the sky. And I would have cried. But

They cut my heart out.. So what was I to do?

So I kept on walking

 

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saving the destroyed individual

 

I think about when I was with you. You seemed to have become my savior, you know. Because you saved me. That night when you were there when I needed you, and without me thinking about you, I would have ended it. But since I knew about the feelings we had felt and because I had become aware of my emotions, I realized that I had become completely. Warm. Just on the inside, where the blood flows, you know, through that one thing called the.. Heart.

Why do I feel like I have two...I don't know,  probably because I missed having one so much that it's kinda making up for it

But what happened

The realzation that you didn't care about me,

But read back to the time that the animals ripped my heart out, they didn't just rip it out,

The destroyed it

They destroyed any hope of trust and life, and I became a complete lunatic.

I guess I never realized that since my heart was destroyed, I needed to find a new one.

But when did I stoop as low as the animals enough to reach into someone else's mind through there head and tear there heart out, slowly.

How cruel.

How betraying

How selfish.

But why did I care.

That's what I felt, until I stole their heart.

Then I fell down to the floor and hurt my knees, because my sanity came back, and that was the price of love.... Or liking

Liking is pretty expensive also

So this was where we stood, until I felt...nothing...again.

im done.
make it an ending.
so....all there is to do now is...
the end?

I BROUGHT BACK SOME ORIGINALS (part#2)

FEEDING LIONS WITH MY BARE HANDS

I want to run away and start this fire with the matches we bought.
running into the fire with you, our burning flesh cannot be controlled. so let our hearts bleed fire. and wait until the firemen come and put out the flames, by then it will be to late. we will be forced to sleep in coffins.

but it all happens before I wake up. right before the best part.

right before we walk through heaven.

and my mind seems to want to screw with me, flipping the channel to a dream where you were with someone else.


and I'm burning by myself. but this time, my tears wont be seen.

I BROUGHT BACK SOME ORIGINALS (part#1)

futile, yet persuasive

so it must come to this, deciding which path to take has never been so impertinent, and it has become uncomfortable to me. its futile, yet persuasive. but i honestly don't know what to see, or hear, yet i touch and feel you there. right in front of me. after what had happened today, almost breaking down crying in more than three of my classes, i don't know how i can hold it back tomorrow. but i must, because not crying means my identity, and identity makes all the difference. 

DANCING = A WAY OUT

today I learned how to catch a cloud
I learned how to sit on a park bench
I learned how to look through a mirror
I learned how to eat raspberries
I learned how to light a lamp
I learned how to play a record
and I learned how to hold hands
I learned how to fill a water bottle
I learned how to wear dog chains
I learned how to paint

I learned how to pick roses
I learned how to swim in a creek
I learned how to climb through a window
I learned how to love Beyoncé
even though I already do, apparently I was doing it all wrong
I learned how to close the blinds
I learned how to shut my bedroom door
I learned how to turn on my music

I learned how to dance
then I learned how to fly away

Pulling Out IV's part 3

I found out that the nurses put needles in the right spot.
they finally realized where my IV should be.
but they placed it two centimeters off course.
and so the flow of my blood reeked of bad decisions and dead ends.
so I had to pull the last IV out.
but then somebody found me and said
"you're doing it all wrong"
and they showed me their IV's.
elbows, knees, and hips.
the pain of life had apparently become part of everyone's lives.
not just mine, as I thought. but I had never realized.
was I alone, or was I just too quiet.

Poison IV

when I dream, I dream casual so I can wear the earth around me like a coat. London has never been a better bracelet and paris has never looked so good as a necklace around my throat.

I never really cared to have las angeles wrapped around my feet, but the Bahamas as a cologne has never failed to amaze the man walking by me on the street

Pulling Out IV’s part 2

we went on a walk the other night, you asked me if we should go inside and watch a movie first or go for a walk to the park.

I chose the park

but the entire walk I new that was the wrong decision

we should have gone downstairs and watched some random romantic movie that would make me, or us, emotional.

it would have gone better that way.

but now we walk down the road not knowing what to talk about, and then I'm rambling off about some random shit that no one ever really cares about.

I never got to hold your hand, I never got to kiss your lips

I never got to feel the warmth on your skin

I knew that there were deep emotions, too hard for me to control, but why should I have to control it, because you are too scared, because we're told to always hold back....love

 back when I had an IV in my hip
I knew something was wrong
I never held back my opinion on pulling that IV out of my hip
I realized that I felt better with it out, holding back would have just caused me pain.
so why did I hold back my emotions, of all things?
it never seems to make sense. but it did at the time.
and I guess that's what happens.
things just happen to change from time to time, even if we don't mean for them to change
its all just shitty luck in the end

Pulling out IV’s part 1

the first time I found it, it was in a place it shouldn't be.

lets just say that I was quite uncomfortable with an IV in the back of my knee. everyone seems to know how to cure week knees, I think this time they were all wrong, and it ended with me having to pull out the first IV on my body

my body had to take a few minutes to adjust, just like two years ago, back then I learned

at the end of a story you find its all been told

you find that the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has lost its value

that the muffins in little red riding hoods basket have all been eaten.

you find both of cinderellas shoes worthless and that poisen apple snow white took a bite out of, has gone rotten.

but in the nights I find that your goodbye never seemed to leave my mind faster than my dreams in the morning

every time I heard it, it still broke my heart the same.

but I only heard it once.

and it didn't mean what we thought.

you only left high school.

we both knew that this wasn't a goodbye meant for each other, but for our old lives.

that opened wounds, meant to be fixed by different healers.