For basically all of yall to read (with juicy secrets and high school advice for all the youngsters)

ive been thinking about this for a very long time now and since were not in high school anymore discrimination is totally out of the question.
im not saying that you guys discriminate, but im not saying that there wasnt any at all.
high school set this odd standard that you have to have somewhere to belong, like a certain clik or the drama club.. even though our drama club had its own fabulous little clik within itself.
and what im trying to say is that people decided to save their dirty little secrets till the end, kind of like a big bang, a grand finale or some fabulous exit scene with white doves and fireworks

well I guess that even though my big bang is a little delayed and probably will still be seen by those of you who still attend "high school"
it doesn't really matter
those of you who do still go to lone peak
find yourself, not others.
high school is meant to help you experiment with EVERYTHING
not with what the teachers teach, but what you like. including social skills, taking risks, falling stupidly in love just to "experiment" with your emotions. whether it be gay, lesbian, straight or any other feelings that need to be figured out.
let me get this through to you.
I went through high school with the mind set that I was going to test everything to its limits.
that's exactly what everyone should do, mind yourself though, have moral standards.. not religious standards, but find it in yourself to take the responsibility of appropriately giving yourself your own moral contract... im not judging, you do what you do, just do it slow, steady, and learn how to control it.
WARNING: if you takes risks, you become the only one responsible for your actions on anything, just telling you now because that could never ever be stated soon enough.

now that I have become the great reason of procrastination and driving the conversation off course

here is the main reason I posted this blog
guys im telling you exactly what I told on of my religious friend who started preaching to me the other day
I am simply here to tell you a secret... well after this it wont be a secret.. but anyways, im here to tell you a secret, I did not come to you for religious advice

this is a big decision for me, and its really hard for me to say because we live where we live but
simple and sweet
I'm gay

im also very bad at figuring out if someone is flirting with me or not so for all those girls who I might have thought were flirting with me.. im really sorry...but if it makes up any of the difference Ill be happy to be your GBF?
or would that be considered as gay friend zoning..... #themoreyouknow


love you guys

I BROUGHT BACK SOME ORIGINALS (part#3)

before you read saving the individual, read this poem first to fully understand the other
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hearts and wings from inside my dreams

 

Before the blood bacame old, I dreamed about fairy tales. I dreamt of animals with wings, and how I grew jealous of the animals. In my dreams I would become a complete lunatic. I would wake up in the middle of the night furious.

So In my dreams I cut there wings off. And I never felt more calm.
Then one night they came and cut my heart out.
Because their hearts where part of the sky. And I would have cried. But

They cut my heart out.. So what was I to do?

So I kept on walking

 

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saving the destroyed individual

 

I think about when I was with you. You seemed to have become my savior, you know. Because you saved me. That night when you were there when I needed you, and without me thinking about you, I would have ended it. But since I knew about the feelings we had felt and because I had become aware of my emotions, I realized that I had become completely. Warm. Just on the inside, where the blood flows, you know, through that one thing called the.. Heart.

Why do I feel like I have two...I don't know,  probably because I missed having one so much that it's kinda making up for it

But what happened

The realzation that you didn't care about me,

But read back to the time that the animals ripped my heart out, they didn't just rip it out,

The destroyed it

They destroyed any hope of trust and life, and I became a complete lunatic.

I guess I never realized that since my heart was destroyed, I needed to find a new one.

But when did I stoop as low as the animals enough to reach into someone else's mind through there head and tear there heart out, slowly.

How cruel.

How betraying

How selfish.

But why did I care.

That's what I felt, until I stole their heart.

Then I fell down to the floor and hurt my knees, because my sanity came back, and that was the price of love.... Or liking

Liking is pretty expensive also

So this was where we stood, until I felt...nothing...again.

im done.
make it an ending.
so....all there is to do now is...
the end?

I BROUGHT BACK SOME ORIGINALS (part#2)

FEEDING LIONS WITH MY BARE HANDS

I want to run away and start this fire with the matches we bought.
running into the fire with you, our burning flesh cannot be controlled. so let our hearts bleed fire. and wait until the firemen come and put out the flames, by then it will be to late. we will be forced to sleep in coffins.

but it all happens before I wake up. right before the best part.

right before we walk through heaven.

and my mind seems to want to screw with me, flipping the channel to a dream where you were with someone else.


and I'm burning by myself. but this time, my tears wont be seen.

I BROUGHT BACK SOME ORIGINALS (part#1)

futile, yet persuasive

so it must come to this, deciding which path to take has never been so impertinent, and it has become uncomfortable to me. its futile, yet persuasive. but i honestly don't know what to see, or hear, yet i touch and feel you there. right in front of me. after what had happened today, almost breaking down crying in more than three of my classes, i don't know how i can hold it back tomorrow. but i must, because not crying means my identity, and identity makes all the difference. 

DANCING = A WAY OUT

today I learned how to catch a cloud
I learned how to sit on a park bench
I learned how to look through a mirror
I learned how to eat raspberries
I learned how to light a lamp
I learned how to play a record
and I learned how to hold hands
I learned how to fill a water bottle
I learned how to wear dog chains
I learned how to paint

I learned how to pick roses
I learned how to swim in a creek
I learned how to climb through a window
I learned how to love Beyoncé
even though I already do, apparently I was doing it all wrong
I learned how to close the blinds
I learned how to shut my bedroom door
I learned how to turn on my music

I learned how to dance
then I learned how to fly away

Pulling Out IV's part 3

I found out that the nurses put needles in the right spot.
they finally realized where my IV should be.
but they placed it two centimeters off course.
and so the flow of my blood reeked of bad decisions and dead ends.
so I had to pull the last IV out.
but then somebody found me and said
"you're doing it all wrong"
and they showed me their IV's.
elbows, knees, and hips.
the pain of life had apparently become part of everyone's lives.
not just mine, as I thought. but I had never realized.
was I alone, or was I just too quiet.

Poison IV

when I dream, I dream casual so I can wear the earth around me like a coat. London has never been a better bracelet and paris has never looked so good as a necklace around my throat.

I never really cared to have las angeles wrapped around my feet, but the Bahamas as a cologne has never failed to amaze the man walking by me on the street

Pulling Out IV’s part 2

we went on a walk the other night, you asked me if we should go inside and watch a movie first or go for a walk to the park.

I chose the park

but the entire walk I new that was the wrong decision

we should have gone downstairs and watched some random romantic movie that would make me, or us, emotional.

it would have gone better that way.

but now we walk down the road not knowing what to talk about, and then I'm rambling off about some random shit that no one ever really cares about.

I never got to hold your hand, I never got to kiss your lips

I never got to feel the warmth on your skin

I knew that there were deep emotions, too hard for me to control, but why should I have to control it, because you are too scared, because we're told to always hold back....love

 back when I had an IV in my hip
I knew something was wrong
I never held back my opinion on pulling that IV out of my hip
I realized that I felt better with it out, holding back would have just caused me pain.
so why did I hold back my emotions, of all things?
it never seems to make sense. but it did at the time.
and I guess that's what happens.
things just happen to change from time to time, even if we don't mean for them to change
its all just shitty luck in the end

Pulling out IV’s part 1

the first time I found it, it was in a place it shouldn't be.

lets just say that I was quite uncomfortable with an IV in the back of my knee. everyone seems to know how to cure week knees, I think this time they were all wrong, and it ended with me having to pull out the first IV on my body

my body had to take a few minutes to adjust, just like two years ago, back then I learned

at the end of a story you find its all been told

you find that the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has lost its value

that the muffins in little red riding hoods basket have all been eaten.

you find both of cinderellas shoes worthless and that poisen apple snow white took a bite out of, has gone rotten.

but in the nights I find that your goodbye never seemed to leave my mind faster than my dreams in the morning

every time I heard it, it still broke my heart the same.

but I only heard it once.

and it didn't mean what we thought.

you only left high school.

we both knew that this wasn't a goodbye meant for each other, but for our old lives.

that opened wounds, meant to be fixed by different healers.